SATIRE: Six Billion Fish Die In One Day, News Eclipsed by Kardashian Selfie
A Veritas News Exclusive – All over the world, millions of fish have been dying for no apparent reason. Not only fish, but birds, dolphins and whales, as well.
Last November, 337 whales were found beached in Chile, but the story went unreported. As usual, the media geniuses had something more important to do. Millions of strange fish deaths happening all over the world, and hundreds of whales beaching themselves? Girl, please. We have an election to run!
But recently, an event happened that sent the media working over-time to “forget”. An estimated Six-Billion fish washed up, get this, on the shores of every single beach in the world! as if they were trying to send a message to humanity.
Even elite resort hotels were inundated with flapping fish. Lying beside the water, the astonished fast living people, either sipping Mai Tai’s or snoozing blissfully (as if the whole flipping world weren’t foundering), had their refined sensibilities offended, as wave after wave of determined fish surfed onto the pink sands, leaving a mammoth silver memorial.
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“Surprisingly”, the news declined to cover this. Instead, the entire media apparatus became enraptured by a new Kim Kardashian selfie. Said Kardashian, “Like, I always have brainstorming when I eat sushi. Ah-so. Sushi hibachi mumbo dojo, sensei! (bows to fictitious karate opponent). That’s me speaking Japanese. Anyway, one selfie can change the world. In this case, I photographed my new tattoo: a whale swimming around on the planet Alderaan. Well, off to Ibiza. (Sings) Everything is beautiful…”
These events caused quite a stir throughout all corners of the Matrix. While strange men in Hazmat suits descended on resorts far and wide, and party people took a break from beaching themselves to lie by the pool, main stream pundits debated the merits of Kardashian’s new tattoo (it’s social media appeal, and what not), while fans and haters (all indoors, of course), chimed in to add comments within the virtual world.
Next Bono and Mick Jagger composed a song together from their Senior Living Center, Rocky Pines. “Move along, there’s nothing to sea” was produced by Dead Mouse. Here is the rousing chorus:
“Nothing’s fishy and life’s a beach.
Ain’t Kim Kardashian a peach?
Oooooh, swimming main stream;
oooooh, to Tatooine;
ooooh, nothing’s to sea.
Move along now baby.”
The media reaction to a problem is one thing, the reality, another. It was only discovered afterward that the oceans were completely devoid of life. When word got out, people started rioting. Especially when they learned you can’t re-Tweet the fish population. “Can’t re-Tweet the fish? Why of course you can”, posted #JayGatsby, and millions agreed. The slogan was placed on billboards and T-shirts, but with the fish gone #4ever, land animal prices quickly soared, which caused more riots, so the military stepped in and that was that. So the fish died off, all the land animals were eaten, and all that was left were bullets.
With hunger being what it is, it was only a matter of time before the world’s Generals started setting off nuclear weapons out of frustration. Woe, Nelly!
Did we mention this transmission is coming from a bunker in the arctic?
Presumably, there are lessons to be learned from this tragedy, but the chief one is that the warning signs were there all along, the only astonishing thing was how quickly it all happened. But the ocean only holds so much fish, the land only contains so many animals, and mankind has only so much patience. Really, what happened was completely foreseeable.
So it goes.
This is Veritas News, reporting live from the Arctic. Good night, and God help the United States of America.
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This piece was featured on Natural Blaze as a contribution from the author. Chris Veritas writes informative pieces like this at Veritas Gazette, at his blog, and humorous satire news at Some Cry Wolf.