New “Expendables Diet” Brought To You By Monsanto And Sylvester Stallone (Satire)
Hilarity by Chris Veritas
A Veritas Gazette Exclusive
Inspired by the potent “Incurables Diet“, a vitamin based cancer-curing regimen, Monsanto has developed its own, “more advanced” version. They are calling it, “The Expendables Diet”, and it’s what experts have termed “the exact opposite”.
Monsanto’s own Morticia Graves held a press conference last Friday, in order to announce this incredible new product.
Dr. Morticia Graves: “This new diet of ours is a revolutionary take on nutrition. And that is because there is none in it. How novel, right? (We know how much you people love novelty!) Instead of nutrition, we’ve opted for a radical new approach; #totalsugaroverload. Our scientists have deduced that this particular approach to consumption will make the body so tingly with glee, that it will positively glow and gleam (due, in part, to the Uranium deposits, of course). Doesn’t all that sound great? Now, here is Sylvester Stallone!”
Widget not in any sidebars
Stallone: “Yo, it’s my pleasure to be here today, to rep my new movie, The Expendables 10, where me and Gary Busey take on Jihadi John. And, of course, to promote the new ‘Expendables Diet,’ which I’m sure has no connection to the movie, whose title is basically a joke about how the actors are as good as dead.”
Dr. Graves: “Uh, Sylvester, why don’t you tell the good people more about the contents of the diet?”
Stallone: “Yo, well I think that’s a good idea, now, so okay. Basically, you start off the day with coffee and NutraSweet, or with a diet soda. No breakfast. Hey, no breakfast? Hmm. Around ten-thirty, you’re allowed a snack, after checking in with your “robot overlord”. Wait, can that be right?”
Dr. Graves: “It’s essential for the gehaffenstagen luftshizen function. It’s barely invasive, at all. Only a little blood is required.”
Stallone: “Uh … Then, at noon, after your sugar has crashed, there’s the all-you-can-eat Dairy Queen extravaganza. And at two o’clock, a shake with more NutraSweet or Sweet n Low, with Code Red Mountain Dew as a base…. Okay, seriously; I can’t finish this press conference. This is almost as bad as the time you guys put spider DNA into the damn corn! No wonder people call your stuff “Frankenfood!”
Dr. Graves: “I think this guy’s been hit in the head one too many times! Folks, spider is an essential part of a healthy balanced diet; which is why we recommend “spider tartar” as one of our healthy dinner options. Other choices include, “Wiccan Marsala”, a spellbinding mix of “herbs” and “spices”; and “chicken of the sea”, a mystery catch that will make any dinner go swimmingly. Obviously, there are many more options to choose from, so just make sure you check in with your friendly diet droid, before you do what he says, when he says it, and to the letter. Thanks, and …”
Stallone: “Yo, I don’t like this at all, Morticia. Seems to me, the body needs …”
***Electronic snaps crackle and pop, and Stallone falls flat like a pancake; tazed by a wild-eyed Graves.***
Dr. Graves: “Folks, the lesson here is that everyone is expendable, even the great Sylvester Stallone. That’s the real message of Monsanto. We’re too big to fail, but he’s not too big to fall. So try our diet. Seriously, “it’s the fucha”. Wait, that was Schwarzenneger, not Stallone. Ah, here goes. “Yo, Adrian, bring me some DQ, okay, baby?” Oh, let me do one more. Here’s Cosmo Kramer. “Jerry, Jerry, I can’t go on till I’m expendable, Jerry! You’ve got to give me the money, Jerry. You’ve got to give me the money!”
Fortunately, it’s only one thousand dollars to enroll, plus food, plus the android. As you can see, the diet is actually not affordable at all. The robot alone costs twenty-grand. But thanks to Obamacare, the whole thing is covered. These remarks conclude the press conference. Good-bye, and God help the United States of America.
This piece was featured on Natural Blaze with permission from the author. It can be republished with his bio and links intact. Chris Veritas writes informative pieces at Veritas Gazette, at his blog, and humorous satire news like this at Some Cry Wolf.