Nutrition is So Passe (Satire)
Humor by Chris Veritas, Veritas Gazette
A study by the International French Language Institute for Pellucidity (iFLIP) released the results of a surprising study Wednesday morning, before an astonished world and an ever credulous group of reporters. The results were these; mainly, that nutrition is not only irrelevant, it is also passe. And as any wise hipster can tell you, there is nothing worse than being unfashionable, which is a fate worse than death.
Said one such hipster, Dude-Mamba Crowley,
I know all about death, dude; after all, I dressed up like a zombie for Christmas. I couldn’t do it for Thanksgiving, though, because I got a vaccination and for some reason got the flu. This is me, below.
iFLIP spokesman, Pellagra McDonald, had this to say,
We at the French Language Institute have determined that what’s important is “what’s happening”, and what’s happening is “what’s hip”, and what’s hip is “what’s going on”, and nutrition ain’t it. This study was funded by the Ford Foundation, and commissioned by George Soros, which is not his real name. Merci, amis. Questions, anyone?
Reporter #1: “Yes, Pellagra. Because you’re standing behind a microphone, doesn’t that mean we should trust you completely?”
Pellagra McDonald: “You really get it, um…?—”
Reporter #1: “Benji. Benji de Lassy, here for the New York Times, ma’am.”
Pellagra: “Excellent. You must trust us because it’s just. That’s a nice new mantra for you, Mr. de Lassy. Next question.”
Reporter #2: “You said nutrition is not important; but what about my Apple computer?”
Pellagra: “That is one exception. And I didn’t say it is not important, I said it’s not “fashionable”. Look, we don’t eat real cheese anymore, we eat “sandwich slices”. Go ahead, try and find the word “cheese” on one of those packages; or the word “juice” on a juice-bottle, all by itself, without a complete set of trademarked adjectives. Ah, progress is a grand thing! Who needs fresh bread and butter when you can have “other butter” and “bread medley”?
Reporter #3: “If I hear you correctly, you’re saying that fashions and vogues are more important than health? Isn’t that what the dorks call a “syllogism”?”
Pellagra: “Yes! And paradoxically, the dorks look terrible, while even our bony models positively gleam.”
Reporter #1: “But why exactly is nutrition “passe”?
Pellagra: “Okay, slowpoke. Haven’t you looked around lately, or watched Star Trek? Food is to be synthesized out of thin air, heated with radiation, and grown no longer, but mysteriously “apparated”. Nature is now an ornament growing between pavement cracks, or employed for “wabi sabi”, or it’s a snarky poodle tugging restlessly at your trousers. If you want a burger, there is meat glue; if you want sugar, there’s Equal; and if you want water, there is diet soda. Only cave men eat paleo, people.”
(Laughter erupts from the press men, followed by comments such as, “Yes, I’m thoroughly convinced”, and “Nutrition is so passe”. “Three cheers for Pellagra McDonald!”)
But then Reporter #2 chimed in, and remarked, “What’s so good about progress if progress means doing everything unnaturally?”
Pellagra: “Someone remove this Infoodel! Is he gone? Good. Now we’re cookin’ with Crisco!”
Pellagra: “So, where were we? Oh, yes. My talking points for the redefinition of food, according to the mandates of my foundation, and “George Soros”. Okay. Let’s talk about the food pyramid. Periodically pyramids have to be rebuilt and/or rediscovered to emphasize how well triangles fit into a box, in order to stack them and place them in the attack. Only squares follow the rules, which is why the FDA “recommends” the pyramid on paper, but in practice pushes the polygon. It is indeed a paradox how they can say out of one corner of the mouth, “eat healthy foods, children”, and out the other, “carcinogens are yummy sugar substitutes, kiddos”.
I don’t profess to have all the answers, people, I just keep singing “Strawberry Fields, Nothing Is Real”, and somehow it all makes sense. Now, please enjoy the buffet we’ve prepared for you, filled with deliciously fashionable Coke products, served by models, and guaranteed to be healthy by the same FDA that brought you the Ambien zombie. Ciao, baby.”
We at Veritas Gazette think the whole “Ambien Zombie” theme may just apply to the whole nutrition situation, as people seem to be sleepwalking through their food choices, and are not a bit concerned that the same agency that “regulates” and “finds benign” certain dangerous drugs, also approves dubious “food products”; that is, “foods” that are not really food. Will the world wake up in time? Or will it remain drowsy and undernourished? This is Chris Veritas saying, good night, and God help the United States of America.